Hello family.
Just to give y'all a fair warning: this post is going to be deeper than most. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable because this is a place for it. Openness, vulnerability, and inclusivity; all those things are welcomed and expected in this space. I created this platform just for this. I've been having a battle with myself for as long as I can remember. Being younger I used to think I hated myself, almost regularly. I was very sad and remember crying two or three days out the week just for the most trivial things. Today I wanted to share my struggles and triumphs over what I call self. We'll be covering my self confidence, self worth, and self love.
Just to give y'all a fair warning: this post is going to be deeper than most. I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable because this is a place for it. Openness, vulnerability, and inclusivity; all those things are welcomed and expected in this space. I created this platform just for this. I've been having a battle with myself for as long as I can remember. Being younger I used to think I hated myself, almost regularly. I was very sad and remember crying two or three days out the week just for the most trivial things. Today I wanted to share my struggles and triumphs over what I call self. We'll be covering my self confidence, self worth, and self love.
Confidence
When I was younger and even now sometimes, I constantly compare myself to others. I look at their lives and think "Why isn't my life that way?" or "Why don't I look like they do?" You hear from your family and friends that you're wonderful and oh so amazing, but when looking at yourself, you don't feel that way. Maybe everyone won't feel this and honestly it's not for everyone, I just want the few who understand to know they aren't alone.
There was always something about myself that I didn't like. Before I stopped relaxing my hair and growing my crown, I thought my hair was ugly. "You got such a bad grade of hair!" My auntie said one day as she was braiding it. I was probably seven years old so I cried sitting there between her legs. She called me too sensitive, but really she was too callous to even say that about me. It's my hair, growing from my head, the hair God gave me. There was nothing bad about it! But I didn't realize it at the time. It was in my skin too. Being the darkest of my mother's children I was always the the sore thumb. "You getting dark", I heard it every summer with the same negative connotation. Like getting darker was synonymous with getting worse. Of course I didn't mind it until I heard it from everyone around me year after year. Then I started to think "Well, maybe I shouldn't go outside as much" for fear of my complexion darkening some more. I don't blame my family or anybody else for me developing that ideology. They just said what they knew to say. Finally, it was my body. I was wide in the hips (hereditary of course) but I never really grew in the bust. In middle school when everyone had apples and melons, I still had plums and apricots. It got so bad, I used to wear two bras to try to fake the appearance of a bigger chest. I would change in the bathroom during gym cause I didn't want to see all the B and C cups in comparison to my A's. I told y'all this would be personal so I'm being transparent with y'all.
Worth
Throughout my teenage years, I allowed things that no woman should allow. I let a boy put his hands on me, repeatedly, over time. Too afraid and estranged from my parents and family I never told them. Maybe I thought it was normal. Nothing to worry about cause I had seen it before with the women in my life and they were just fine. So I thought I should just tough it out and get through it too. I didn't realize until I was out of my teens that this was not the way things should be.
Because of my mistakes and choices in my life, I figured I would have to settle for less than what I wanted. Even to this day I think: "I'm a young single mother of two. Who really is gone take me seriously?" Nobody wants a woman with all this baggage, right. These are the things I tell myself when I'm home or at work or at school. And it turns me cold on the inside. I put up the defense at all times because I know or at least think I know the intentions of anyone who comes in my path. Take, take, take. Use, use, use. Until I'm drained and empty. That's what I've allowed in the past so that's what I won't tolerate in the future. See the difficulty about being on defense all the time is that you don't accurately respond to your opponent. Defense doesn't make the shots, they block the shots. Looking at these so-called shots as growth and development, a defensive person only stops these things from happening. They can't encourage these things to happen. So by being on defense, I actually stagnated myself, which then perpetuates the ideas that I don't deserve want I want because I'm not where I think I should be. It became a vicious cycle of self destruction.
Because of my mistakes and choices in my life, I figured I would have to settle for less than what I wanted. Even to this day I think: "I'm a young single mother of two. Who really is gone take me seriously?" Nobody wants a woman with all this baggage, right. These are the things I tell myself when I'm home or at work or at school. And it turns me cold on the inside. I put up the defense at all times because I know or at least think I know the intentions of anyone who comes in my path. Take, take, take. Use, use, use. Until I'm drained and empty. That's what I've allowed in the past so that's what I won't tolerate in the future. See the difficulty about being on defense all the time is that you don't accurately respond to your opponent. Defense doesn't make the shots, they block the shots. Looking at these so-called shots as growth and development, a defensive person only stops these things from happening. They can't encourage these things to happen. So by being on defense, I actually stagnated myself, which then perpetuates the ideas that I don't deserve want I want because I'm not where I think I should be. It became a vicious cycle of self destruction.
Love
I used to tell myself the worst possible things. That nobody wanted me, or that no one would love me. I can remember being a little kid and my aunties would be talking about me. "Why does she have to live with our mama? It's because her parent's don't want her." And for awhile it did look like that. All my friends had their parents, at least one. I had my mema, or my grandmother. And while I love her and appreciate her for everything she's done for me, I still wanted my mother. I think a part of the reason that I felt so much self hate is because I don't remember feeling love. Of course I had food in my stomach and clothes on my back. A roof over my head, the necessities right? But how often I heard "I love you" or "I'm proud of you" from my parents was far and in between, especially the older I got. One's first understandings of love and life comes from the family. I think I missed that part. I think I taught myself love and that's why my perception of it was so narrow and broken. These are words I would've never shared with my family for fear of being called unappreciative or ungrateful cause "at least I had a family" as my daddy would say. But being honest with myself I don't feel like I ever belonged. Even to this day, I feel like an outsider to them, just wandering trying to find my home base. Feeling detached from everything and everyone because I barely know who I am to begin with.
"Confidence is not 'They will like me.' Confidence is instead 'I'll be fine if they don't.'" - Christina Grimmie
But through all this I prevail. This was longer than my other posts because this meant more to me than my other ones. I hope that if you're reading you can realize that you aren't alone in anything you feel. Look at this post as an invitation to reach out for encouragement, support, and community.
Remember: you are loved. No matter what you think, hear, or feel, there is someone, somewhere who loves you.
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