Welcome back family!
So glad that you're with me today. Living life and loving yourself. I'm happy to share this time with you.
Today I wanted to give y'all a little peak into my year so far. Now I can go as deep as y'all like. After all the blog is called "Life With Lexis K." (me) so y'all don't need to feel like you're all in my business. I want it that way. It may be somewhat late for a mid-year recap because we're like 58.3333% done with the year, but y'all are my new family so I wanted to get y'all up to speed.
So this year started off pretty rocky. For some reason I was having a quarterly life crisis (I can't say mid-life cause I'm trying to live way past 40) and nothing was going as I planned. Last year I was working on my peace and trying to find happiness within myself, but this year I felt like I lost all that progress. I was so disappointed in my school work early in the semester, I really considered dropping out. I had failed some classes during the fall so I was overwhelmed by my under performance during the spring. This took a tremendous toll on me and I was in a pit of self pity and depression. I was working at a call center that was stressing me for no good reason. I barely made enough there to cover my monthly expenses and yet they wanted superb attendance and work ethic. It got so bad my last day I walked in to work (30 minutes late I may add) and before I even clocked in, I typed my letter of resignation, printed it out and handed it to my supervisor. It came as a shock to them and damn near to myself because I had no intentions of quitting, especially since I didn't even have another job lined up yet.
That was right before spring break, so I decided I wasn't going to start looking for a job until after I got back from Miami (terrible idea). I paid my bills up, got a couple hundred dollar money orders for a rainy day, and went to Miami expecting to have a good time. I didn't sadly and when I got back home my real life was in a worse state than before. So a tip in case you didn't already know: an impromptu trip will not relieve your stress if you're affairs are not in order! I should've known better, but like I said, my head wasn't in a good place during that time. I come back home and my bills backed up, I'm running out of money, and I'm unemployed. Bad combination. I was so stressed during this time and for me stress turns into depression very quickly. I stopped eating and my house looked a mess. On top of all of this, my little sister had recently moved in with me, so I had another head in my household. I'm not complaining and we made it work. It was nice having another chaperone like figure in the house, but hard having a teenager to look after. Getting her in school was a hassle because I had to get all her information from my mom which was like trying to pull teeth. But like I said we got it done.
I finally get a job through a temp agency, making a little bit of money with not many job responsibilities. It's actually how I was able to start this blog because I had so much free time on my hands. But it hasn't been all peaches and cream. I want/need to be working full-time but because of my school schedule and kids, it's hard. I've been applying and interviewing at jobs for months and nothing has seemed to really stick. Nothing is more discouraging than applying to a fast food or a retail job and not getting it. Like really what qualifications do I need to work at Steak n' Shake or Target? My sister basically told me that those jobs would be moving backwards and everything happens for a reason. I agree, but money is money at this point. My anxiety and self consciousness really peaked this year as I've been hyper sensitive about my presence in the world. Everything I did and every decision I made, I thought about what others would think about it or how it would change the way they felt about me. This was probably because I really wasn't happy with myself. I did things in the first half of the year I'd thought I never do. Made me feel like an outsider to my own body honestly. It's hard being uncomfortable in your skin because your body was made for you specifically. If you can't find respite there, where the hell else will you find it you know? But instead of turning to myself for understanding and comfort, I turned to others around me. Which lead to more confusion and disorientation.
Now the biggest event for the year I think is my bestest friend in the world being sentenced to a long time in prison. That hit me hard because we were just trying to start our life as a family when everything happened. I've been struggling financial, emotionally, and mentally since he left. I've felt anger, sadness, bitterness, self-disgust, all type of feelings since he's gone. But what hurts me the most is that it's my kids who will suffer. Before I had Heaven, I told myself that my kids would have both their parents in the same home; something that I didn't have but wanted so dearly. That wasn't the case for her but I said after that I wouldn't have another baby unless I was married. Malik came along and they clicked instantly. They were inseparable and you could tell they loved each other. His entire family loved me and accepted Heaven as their own. It was like some Lifetime movie network type shit honestly. So taking not only her biological dad away, but her second dad that she love and chose and grew to know away, I know it hurts her in ways I'm too scared to think about. It may even be worse for Malia because she will never get to experience him as a father the way Heaven did. She won't have that connection to him like Heaven does and it tears me up on the inside. I probably cry about it once a month at least. This was probably the worse thing I experienced this year. I kept telling myself at least he's not dead, you know? Some people will never see their love ones again, never hear from them, never touch them or nothing. That's not my case because inshallah, I'll see him in 19 years and everything will still be cool. We've had some fights since he's been up the road. Mostly because he doesn't agree with my lifestyle decisions and some of my parenting techniques. But that's just Malik being Malik and I accept it good and bad.
Now that I got all that mess out the way, I plan on using these last five or so months to the fullest. This blog is one of my biggest personal accomplishments and I'm proud of myself for the progress and consistency. I've been more active in my community which is something I've been wanting to do for literally years now. My kids are healthy and have love and love each other so that's my biggest blessing in life. Heaven is a wonderful big sister. She does a great job with Malia. My sister has adjusting well to Tallahassee, her grades and demeanor have improved greatly and I love having her in the house. We were never really close growing up and we were raised by our father's side (different dads) so it's nice to be able to bond with her and teach her all the things I wished someone taught me. I'm still on the job hunt, but understanding that I move in divine time and everything happens for a reason. I plan on having my first book Untouched, self published on Amazon by the end of the year or the beginning of next year at the latest. I've been making progress with my studies, I made A's this past summer semester (go me!)
All in all, everything is everything. In the words of my brother Moneybagg Yo "True it was bad, but it could've been worse". I'll never let up, I got too much to lose, and way too much to gain!
So glad that you're with me today. Living life and loving yourself. I'm happy to share this time with you.
Today I wanted to give y'all a little peak into my year so far. Now I can go as deep as y'all like. After all the blog is called "Life With Lexis K." (me) so y'all don't need to feel like you're all in my business. I want it that way. It may be somewhat late for a mid-year recap because we're like 58.3333% done with the year, but y'all are my new family so I wanted to get y'all up to speed.
So this year started off pretty rocky. For some reason I was having a quarterly life crisis (I can't say mid-life cause I'm trying to live way past 40) and nothing was going as I planned. Last year I was working on my peace and trying to find happiness within myself, but this year I felt like I lost all that progress. I was so disappointed in my school work early in the semester, I really considered dropping out. I had failed some classes during the fall so I was overwhelmed by my under performance during the spring. This took a tremendous toll on me and I was in a pit of self pity and depression. I was working at a call center that was stressing me for no good reason. I barely made enough there to cover my monthly expenses and yet they wanted superb attendance and work ethic. It got so bad my last day I walked in to work (30 minutes late I may add) and before I even clocked in, I typed my letter of resignation, printed it out and handed it to my supervisor. It came as a shock to them and damn near to myself because I had no intentions of quitting, especially since I didn't even have another job lined up yet.
 |
| All my jits |
I finally get a job through a temp agency, making a little bit of money with not many job responsibilities. It's actually how I was able to start this blog because I had so much free time on my hands. But it hasn't been all peaches and cream. I want/need to be working full-time but because of my school schedule and kids, it's hard. I've been applying and interviewing at jobs for months and nothing has seemed to really stick. Nothing is more discouraging than applying to a fast food or a retail job and not getting it. Like really what qualifications do I need to work at Steak n' Shake or Target? My sister basically told me that those jobs would be moving backwards and everything happens for a reason. I agree, but money is money at this point. My anxiety and self consciousness really peaked this year as I've been hyper sensitive about my presence in the world. Everything I did and every decision I made, I thought about what others would think about it or how it would change the way they felt about me. This was probably because I really wasn't happy with myself. I did things in the first half of the year I'd thought I never do. Made me feel like an outsider to my own body honestly. It's hard being uncomfortable in your skin because your body was made for you specifically. If you can't find respite there, where the hell else will you find it you know? But instead of turning to myself for understanding and comfort, I turned to others around me. Which lead to more confusion and disorientation.
 |
| They would send me pictures while waiting to pick me up |
Now that I got all that mess out the way, I plan on using these last five or so months to the fullest. This blog is one of my biggest personal accomplishments and I'm proud of myself for the progress and consistency. I've been more active in my community which is something I've been wanting to do for literally years now. My kids are healthy and have love and love each other so that's my biggest blessing in life. Heaven is a wonderful big sister. She does a great job with Malia. My sister has adjusting well to Tallahassee, her grades and demeanor have improved greatly and I love having her in the house. We were never really close growing up and we were raised by our father's side (different dads) so it's nice to be able to bond with her and teach her all the things I wished someone taught me. I'm still on the job hunt, but understanding that I move in divine time and everything happens for a reason. I plan on having my first book Untouched, self published on Amazon by the end of the year or the beginning of next year at the latest. I've been making progress with my studies, I made A's this past summer semester (go me!)
All in all, everything is everything. In the words of my brother Moneybagg Yo "True it was bad, but it could've been worse". I'll never let up, I got too much to lose, and way too much to gain!
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