Welcome back, family!
I do some of my best writing when I'm avoiding doing something else. Right now, I'm avoiding doing any work related to this job as I'm drained of my current profession.
In my mind, I know I should be more thankful to have gainful employment, especially in this economy. But I can't help but wonder, is this all to life? I drag myself out of bed every day and sit in my car until the very last minute. My daily commute is up to 45 minutes one way and I don't like anything about the work I'm doing anymore. It's not fun, there's no joy in it, and most days I find myself disheartened and exasperated. I'm officially just here for a paycheck. At one point, I absolutely despised those teachers who you could feel were just there for a paycheck, but in these three short years of being in education, I too have turned into one of those people I hate.
Am I complaining? Mostly I am venting because it's getting harder to get through the days. I started writing this on Friday and it's now Monday and everything feels the same except the date and the unit I'm teaching. People want me to keep pushing forward, and just make it through the year. It sounds more doable now that it's April, but every day I think to myself, "I can't keep doing this every day." And why is that the go-to response for black people, especially black women, to just keep pushing when it's clear we're burnt out and tired of something?
That brings me to my topic for writing today: I want to move on from my season of resilience into my season of rest. What better day to reflect and set my intentions on rest than today, with a new moon and total solar eclipse. Yeah, #softgirllife got a bad reputation because we as a society seem smitten with the idea of working yourself to death under this capitalistic regime. Most of the women in my life were the breadwinners of their households, whether they had men around or not. My granny worked two jobs, from dusk to dawn for decades, and it got her nowhere but early retirement due to a failing heart. The lie we've been told and sold from the affluent and well-off, "You got to work harder to get ahead," is just that: a blatant lie. There is no reward or incentive for working yourself within the edge of your life just to say you were "hardworking." How many stories have we heard similar to my granny? I don't believe we have a lack of hard work, but rather of rest and relaxation. More and more we are actually discovering there's a negative physiological response to overworking yourself including cancer and other chronic health diseases. For my granny, it was congestive heart failure at 56.
Laziness and unproductivity are all social constructs we've created and subscribed to, probably in direct correlation to the Puritan ideologies our country was expanded on. Even more contemporarily for us black people, are the genealogical remnants of slavery. Why is it that you feel guilty for getting rest?
I'm done working hard, especially at work. There is no benefit. No extra on my paycheck, no recognition, no difference in the performance of students from doing the bare minimum and above and beyond. True excellence comes from within, working hard at your craft and your own personal passions. Taking the reigns of your destiny and riding into the sunset of your future.
I'm learning that there are ebbs and flows in life: in the seasons, in the stock market, in the moon phases, and in my energy levels. Nothing stays constant in nature. I don't have to hit peak productivity every day. I don't want to work in a field where that is expected of me either. Some days I will get more done than others, that is just my biology! I'm done fighting against myself to fit into a society I never felt like I belonged in, to begin with!
I embrace rest as an opportunity to deep dive into my own self. I commit to taking time out of my day to rest with intention (not doomscroll or bedrot). I am a cyclical being, meaning I need to give myself time to wax and wane just like the moon does in the sky.
That was deep right? I know. The more I sit in my discomfort, the more I feel empowered to release what doesn't work for me anymore. which is this current version of reality we're all a part of. I can have my way in life, after all, I am a co-creator of my reality. Nothing that is for me can pass me. I don't need to work harder, I need to rest more, and love my life more!
Until next time,
Cousin Lex
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