Today I'm Sad

Hey family.

Today I'm doing something that I told myself I would try not to do anymore, and that's write when I'm sad.  But the weekends are hard for me. There is no regular routine at work, no peer or adult contact from coworkers, just me, my kids, and my thoughts, which isn't always a good mix. I know I'm not perfect, but that doesn't stop me from beating myself down for not being so. What can I say? Sorry, I'm a Virgo (RIP to my podcast that never came to fruition). But really I felt this was the perfect time for me to come to the blog and create. 

So let's get into it. 

I'm sad. And I have been for a while. Now let me preface with I'm thankful for so much. I try to thank God for my life every day because I realize how truly blessed I am. But this gratitude does not replace the sadness that sometimes surrounds me and encapsulates me. Rather than drown out this emotion with substances or with sex I'm choosing to face it head-on. Right here, raw and uncut with y'all. 

Why do I feel sad? I'm choosing my words more carefully now because I understand sadness is an emotion, not an identity. I feel sad, but I'm NOT sad. There's a difference. Some may say semantics, but I'm learning, more and more, in real time, that words are actual spells. Beyond that, I'm thinking about the reasons why I'm sad. Everything is going really fine. Work is fine - I mean I'm over it, but thank you Lord for a job. My kids are fine, doing their normal childhood shenanigans. I have a place to stay, and food in my fridge - not much, but I'll make due. My lights are on and my internet is paid so I can watch all the Netflix to my heart's content. But even still I shed a tear lying in bed today. 

"Comparison is the thief of joy" This quote is so true. Many times we think this quote only applies to comparing ourselves to others, but today's sadness comes from me comparing myself to older versions of myself. 

There has been this wave of transformation over me all of 2023. I didn't know how to describe it or even articulate what it was until now really. The feeling that I am on the verge of shedding my old self, my old life, my old mindsets and desires, my old vices and habits for a new one. It's a beautiful thing, but change is scary. Whether planned or not, change is difficult. Your spirit and your body feel the change before it materializes into the physical. That's where the tears are coming from, my body and spirit are greiving. There is actually grief I'm experiencing. I recently lost my grandmother and my daughter's father this last quarter of 2023. I don't know how to actually grieve honestly. But I feel like their deaths were symbolic to me in my current stage of life. 

My grandmother was my role model, even though I didn't realize it until adutlthood. She was so hardworking and independent, two adjectives that any one who knows me could use to describe me. I feel she's where it came from (you know it skips a generation). My first daughter's father was the beginning of a lot of trauma in my life. Maybe one day when I can sit down long enough, I'll write about that time period. My role model and my catalyst. Two major losses within three months of each other. But the loss I'm feeling isn't tangible, at least not yet. 

I'm shedding my skin, I'm forgetting why I like certain things, why I listen to certain music, why do I make certain choices. I feel sad because I am loosing all that I thought I knew about myself. Who and what I thought I loved, maybe I don't love anymore. Or rather, and probably more likely, that love has served its purpose and now it's time for me to love new things. There is no shortage of love - a concept I had to realize one summer day on the porch. God is in everything and God is love, therefore love is in everything. Where you attention goes, your energy flows. Yes, I'm speaking in parables right now. Please let me have this moment. 

What I'm really saying and what I'm expressing to you family, in real time, is that you are not your emotions. I am not my emotions. They are fleeting and will pass, please let them. The sadness I felt has already passed through the time I wrote this blog post, albeit I talked to my mom, finished my Netflix series, and got out a good cry before I made it to this part. Just like the sadness, I release anything that is a part of my past. I only want everything that's for my present and my future. 

God thank you for self-awareness and self-regulation. Thank you for patience and wisdom and most of all for love, the thing that carries us whether we know it or not. Allow love to be acknowledged more in our daily lives and in our interactions with one another. Amen

Love y'all! Until next time, 

Cousin Lex 

Affirm: Everything that I want, wants me!