What's going on family?
It's been a while since I last wrote (or finished) a post. I've been battling with myself for the better of three months now. It's really disappointing to feel like you've lost all the progress that you'd gain in terms of emotional intelligence. But what is really reminded me or taught me rather, is that emotional healing is not a linear process, meaning it doesn't just go in one direction. There are improvements and gains, but there are also some regressions and back sliding. This has been what I've been dealing with lately. Just thinking about all the hard work and brutal honesty I've had to do to myself just to get some sort of peace and to lose it all over almost nothing. That shit will make you suicidal. At least it did for me. "If this is as good as it's gone get, then I don't want to be here at all." My brain can be my worse enemy at times honestly.
I had to realize that it's only going to get as good as I wanted it to get. And that I would have to continue to work at it, because you can ask anyone you know who's going through an emotional healing or cleansing stage, its hard goddamn work! It's not just a few journal entries or a therapy session, its self honesty and digging deep and hard conversations. It's balling up in bed and crying for hours, not eating or sleeping, just lying there thinking. The easy way out would be to just let all these things bottle up, put a lid on it, and just leave it there forever. But I know from experience that bottling up emotions can turn them into toxic waste, spilling over into your life and relationships, contaminating everyone around you.
So yeah in a way it's easier, because you don't have to the hard heart work. But it's harder in the long run when you realize that you've never been happy. You were just going through the motions. I see that in my family now, specifically my parents. Whom I, of course, love more than the Earth itself. But who I, in turn, don't feel the same love back.
I know this is so much to just drop on y'all out the blue family. During my sabbatical away from the blog, I realized I was writing for y'all, instead of myself. My entire reasoning for even starting the blog was to have a medium for releasing my hurt, a place to do my emotional healing if you will. I got caught up (and quickly) in the promises of thousandsssss of dollars if I wrote the catchy blog posts or the self help post. Well turns out I have a steady fan base of about 1, so those thousands are probably a ways away, if they ever come at all. I had to reassess what was important to me and my purpose behind writing in the first place.
It's about me. I mean I share with y'all because if I was having a bad day and someone else wrote about their bad days I wouldn't feel so alone. I've felt alone for so long, literally for most of my life. Now one of my goals in life is to make sure no one encounters me (in reality or virtually) and feels alone. I'm here for me, but I'm here for you too!
P.S. I'm glad to be back writing. #KeepCreating
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